Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
