Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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