I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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