This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
