I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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