His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
