Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
