My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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