I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
