I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
