I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
