Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Drunk is a universal language darling
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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