How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
