my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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