I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
