I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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