if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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