can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
