Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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