I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
