So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
