M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
