If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
well you can't waste a boner
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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