we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
