the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
