I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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