6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
