i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
