She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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