If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
