mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
