She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
