oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
