My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
