I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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