Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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