She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
