It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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