No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
