He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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