Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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