oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
