There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
