Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
