It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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