he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
