you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
