They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize