It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
