I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We got so high we made milksteak
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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