bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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